A World of Hurt: Acceptance
by Alipeeps
Summary: Part of a series of Shep whumpy tag fics to Season 3 eps. McKay & Mrs Miller tag. SPOILERS FOR MCKAY & MRS MILLER! Jeannie Miller couldn’t sleep.... NOW COMPLETE
1. Day 1

_Part of the "A World of Hurt" series – an ongoing, only slightly AU series of whumpy tag fics to the each of the Season 3 episodes. By hook or by crook I will work some Shep whump into every episode.. if TPTB won't do it, then I'll just have to do it myself :) These stories are designed to fit in with the canon of Season 3 – imagine, if you will, that they take place "off-screen" before, during or after the episode, as appropriate._

_This is the tag fic for McKay & Mrs Miller and written from Jeannie's POV. It deals with the ongoing repercussions (unshown in the episode) of the events of the previous episode Common Ground (and the events of the A World of Hurt tag fic to that episode). There will be one more chapter following this._

_Reviews are love.. _

_**SPOILERS FOR MCKAY & MRS MILLER!

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Jeannie Miller couldn't sleep. Oh, she'd tried, she really had. She'd resolutely switched off the laptop and put all thoughts of the experiment from her mind. She'd taken a shower and changed into the loose, comfortable clothes she usually wore to sleep in. She'd slipped into bed in the comfortable guest quarters she'd been assigned, she'd pulled the bed covers up to her chin and closed her eyes and… and tossed and turned for what felt like hours, alternating between staring at the ceiling and determinedly closing her eyes and willing sleep to come. Nothing. She didn't feel even remotely sleepy.

She just couldn't seem to get her brain to shut down. There was so much going on, so much to think about, to deal with.

It had been one heck of a day. Well, one heck of a month. Ever since Meredith had turned up on her doorstop, completely out of the blue, nothing had been the same. He'd waltzed back into her life after four years of silence, beamed her off the damn planet into a _spaceship_ and now here she was, re-immersed in the world of theoretical physics, conducting an incredible experiment in a laboratory on a _floating city_ in another _galaxy_, and feeling way too wired to sleep. Space travel was real, subspace was real, aliens were real, alternate dimensions were real, she was millions of light years away from her husband and her daughter, from the life she knew and, oh yeah, after four years with, effectively, no brother at all, she now had two Meredith's hanging around!

With a sigh of defeat, she threw back the bed sheets and sat up, swinging her legs over the side of the mattress to sit hunched on the edge of the bed. She'd sat here like this, just like this, in her nightclothes, perched on the side of the bed, the night before she'd left Earth; left Madison and Caleb. That night she'd sat and stared out of the window, gazing up at the stars in the night sky, knowing that her world had changed and would never be the same now that she knew that travelling to those stars was possible.. not only possible, it was happening. Her brother was doing just that. It didn't seem real.

Even here, in the Pegasus galaxy, in _Atlantis_, it didn't seem real. Her room here in the city of the Ancients had a window too.. and she could gaze up at the stars here too. But they weren't the same stars and she was so very far from home and so very out of her depth. So much was still new to her. Even Meredith.. he was new as well. He wasn't the brother she remembered. He had walked back into her life without so much as a by your leave, as arrogant as ever. And yet. And yet… he had done so much, seen so much, in the intervening years. And even as she saw in him so much that was familiar.. she also saw how he had changed.

This place had changed him; this place and these people. She'd seen how he acted around his team, had caught a glimpse of genuine hurt on his face when he'd found her laughing and joking in the mess hall earlier that evening…with _his_ friends. Because, surprisingly, it seemed they really were his friends. Not that Meredith had never had friends before or anything… well… but these people were the last kind of people she'd have imagined Mer wanting to spend time with… or they wanting to spend time with him! An alien warrior who, if what she'd heard was true, had spent years living on the run from deadly alien creatures, surviving on instinct and strength alone; a beautiful alien woman, a leader of people, a diplomat and a fierce fighter in her own right. And Colonel Sheppard.. a military man. A pilot. A little bit cocky and a lot charming. The kind of guy that the Meredith she knew would have looked down his nose at and dismissed as a brainless grunt.

She had to wonder just what had happened here on Atlantis to forge these four unlikely characters into such close friends. She'd heard bits and pieces of stories; casual references and comments made in passing as she worked alongside Mer and Radek in the lab, hints of information from Mer during the 3 week journey on the Daedalus, rumours and exaggerations from the Daedalus crew members she'd chatted to sometimes in the ship's mess hall.

She knew the basics; that the four of them were one of many teams from Atlantis that travelled through the Stargate, exploring the Pegasus galaxy, searching for knowledge, for trading partners, for allies against their enemies (and just what the hell was a Wraith anyhow?) and finding, as often as not, trouble and danger. Just how much danger she was finding it hard to get a grip on because the Meredith she knew wasn't brave; he turned tail and ran from even the merest hint of a whiff of a possibility of danger. And right now his team didn't seem to be doing much of anything other than hanging around the city, relaxing, and laughing and giggling in the mess hall. But not all of the stories could have been exaggerated, right?

She'd tried asking Radek as he'd worked alongside her in the lab, Mer entirely absorbed in his work at another console, oblivious to those around him. He'd smiled easily enough when she'd asked him, "What do Meredith and his team actually _do_?" and explained a little about the stargate, about their remit to explore and learn, about the wealth of technology and information just waiting to be found in the Pegasus galaxy. And then a funny thing had happened. She'd mentioned how Meredith's team didn't seem to be doing much exploring at the moment and Radek's warm, gentle face had stiffened, his smile vanishing, and he'd muttered something about them being off-duty for the moment and suddenly found something in the readouts in front of him that he needed to devote all his attention to.

She'd still been wondering about that, amongst other things, hours later when she'd bumped into Colonel Sheppard in the corridor. Literally. She'd left the lab in a foul mood, having just been witness to how much Meredith _hadn't_ changed, and had been walking hurriedly through the corridors of Atlantis, head down, blinking back tears of frustration as she thought about all she'd given up to come here and about how, after four years – four years dammit! – of non-contact, within mere weeks of walking back into her life Meredith still had the ability to upset her more than anyone else in the world. She was stupid to have expected things to have been any different. He still always had to be right, still didn't gave a damn about anybody but himself… if this was how he treated his own sister then how on earth did he have _any_ friends on Atlantis?

She'd been knocked out of her furious reverie by an unexpected impact with something – someone – tall and surprisingly solid. She'd stumbled from the impact and two strong hands had grabbed her arms and held her upright and she'd found herself looking up into the oddly-coloured eyes of John Sheppard.

He'd been all aw shucks and sheepish apologies, setting her on her feet with a concerned smile, asking if she was okay. She'd been shaken enough, by the argument and the collision, for it not to occur to her until much, much later that his grip around her arms had been shaky and, despite his friendly smile and apologetic concern, he'd seemed somewhat distracted and uncomfortable, stepping back a little as he let her of her arms. He was dressed in loose jogging pants and a t-shirt, a water bottle rolling on the floor where he'd dropped it to catch hold of her, the hair at his temples still damp with sweat.

"I guess I should look where I'm going.." he'd offered, good-naturedly and she'd found herself laughing, some of the tight anger easing from her chest.

"Well, you're not the only one," she admitted ruefully, "and even more so in my case, seeing as I don't really _know_ where I'm going!"

He'd looked at her in mock indignation. "You mean no-one's given you the grand tour yet? They drag you all the way out here to Pegasus and just throw you straight into a lab without even showing you around? Jeez, those scientists just don't know how to have any fun.."

He'd grinned and offered her his arm in exaggerated courtesy and his easy charm had coaxed an answering smile from her. And if his arm had been tense under her fingertips as he'd led her companionably along the corridor then she'd been too preoccupied by the beautiful city he showed her to give much thought to it.

He'd been an entertaining and informative guide, showing her his favourite spots in the city, mixing explanations of the function of various areas with amusing stories of events that had taken place there and outrageous tales of adventure and intrigue; energy creatures and nanoviruses, searches for buried treasure, AI computer viruses, virtual environments and possession by alien consciousnesses. And in all of these stories.. there was Meredith. Meredith risking his life to save them from the energy creature, Meredith fixing the shield generator that protected a colony of children from the Wraith, draining a ZPM to prevent an attack on a defenceless village, fixing a damaged warship in the nick of time to save them from a supervolcano… Meredith doing things she would never have thought possible, that she still wasn't sure whether to believe or not.

".. you should've seen Zalenka when he came back from the planet with the kids… oh, man.. they'd painted his face and put braids in his hair…" Sheppard had been animated, gesturing with his hands as he walked, pointing out features of interest, an easy smile always on his face.

"That balcony up there, that's the one I threw Rodney off of when we were trying out the ancient personal shield emitter.." His grin had been contagious as he had reminisced about what were obviously happy memories for him.

She'd laughed and talked and questioned and tried to understand how the Meredith this man knew fitted in with the brother who had shunned her for making a life choice that didn't fit in with his preconceptions. John had been good company and their tour of the city had distracted her from the tension between her and Mer, given her a couple of hours to just relax and enjoy herself and really _experience_ being in a whole new galaxy. And then she'd gone and spoiled it. She must have asked John a thousand questions as they explored the city together and he'd answered her patiently and with good humour, explaining more about the Ancients, the Wraith, the expedition, ascension, just about any topic that arose. And then she'd innocently asked him what he and his team were working on while Mer was busy with the project and in an instant everything had changed, the relaxed atmosphere falling away as his eyes had turned dark, unreadable. He'd looked away, the smile on his face turning stiff, uncomfortable, and mumbled a vague answer about them being on downtime right now.

She'd opened her mouth to apologise, unsure of what she'd said wrong but knowing that she'd somehow trespassed across a sensitive subject, but he'd interrupted before she could speak, a forced good humour on his face as he waved a hand dismissively. He'd tried to make a joke out of it, teasing that Rodney would be offended if the rest of his team went on missions without him so they had to wait around till his was done with his latest project, but his smile no longer reached his eyes and there was a tension to his posture that spoke of intense unease.

Their tour had wrapped up quickly after that with him showing her back to her assigned guest quarters, what had been relaxed and friendly banter reduced to stilted conversation scattered around large chunks of silence that neither of them seemed to know quite how to broach. It was as if the polarity of John's personality was suddenly shifted, switching from extrovert to introvert, his sentences short and unenthusiastic, his attention focused inward. She had let him lead her through the city once more, puzzled by the change, feeling guilty for having inadvertently caused it, and with absolutely no idea how to begin to fix it.

He'd swiped the door control for her and gestured her into the room with a smile and a half-hearted flourish, a hint of the earlier, easy-going warmth creeping back into his hollow eyes. She wanted to apologise for whatever she had said that had spoiled their pleasant tour but something about him, the way he moved, the look in his eyes made her change her mind. For a brief instant he looked.. fragile, as if he might break if pushed too hard.

She'd hovered in the doorway. "Well.." Ugh. She hated awkward silences. "Thank you for the tour.. it was.. uh. It was.. nice." Nice, what a horrible word. She'd grimaced.

He'd nodded absently, his eyes distant as he'd stood awkwardly in the corridor.

"Okay, well I'm gonna… umm.." She'd gestured at the room behind her, her words faltering as she realised that she had nothing to do for the rest of evening. She was alone in a foreign city in a foreign galaxy and the only person she knew here was Mer and he was.. well, he was.. Meredith.

She's looked up to find his eyes on her, his gaze no longer distant but considering, thoughtful. He'd sighed and seemed to shake himself, making an effort to snap out of whatever odd mood her question had pushed him into.

"Look, have you eaten?"

She'd shaken her head, not sure she could even remember where the mess hall was; their tour had taken them all over the city and the place was huge…

"Okay, look," This time his smile reached his eyes and it was as if the other, distant John Sheppard had never existed. "I'm gonna go and get changed," he gestured ruefully at his workout clothes, "and I'll come back and get you in say.. 30 minutes?"

"Okay."

She'd found herself once again matching his smile and her heart had lightened as he'd backed away down the corridor, gesturing as he spoke. "I'll grab Teyla and Ronon too – introduce you to the guys.." He'd been halfway down the corridor when he'd grinned suddenly and called out, "You can tell us some embarrassing childhood stories about Rodney!"

She'd laughed out loud at that and waved goodbye, letting the doors slide closed behind her, already feeling much more positive about the prospect of her first evening in this alien city.

She'd showered and changed before dinner and when Sheppard had come to collect her it had been as if the earlier awkwardness had never happened. He'd been wry and humorous and charming, plying her with teasing questions about growing up with Mer as they walked to the mess hall, introducing her to Ronon and Teyla, offering his opinion on which of the dishes on offer were the least inedible.

She hadn't laughed so much in ages as she did during the meal with Mer's team. They'd still been laughing when Meredith had arrived in the mess hall, trying hard to pretend he wasn't offended to find them all having fun without him – but she knew her brother and she could see the hurt in his eyes. It had almost made her regret giving in to John's teasing requests for embarrassing sibling stories.. but then she remembered just how much Mer had hurt and upset her – how he'd ignored her for four years, cut her out of his life as if she didn't matter – and she'd firmly decided that a little bit of embarrassment was no more than he deserved.

Meredith's team had been nothing but welcoming and thoughtful.. pretty much the polar opposite of Mer's behaviour. Teyla was possibly the gentlest soul Jeannie had ever met, her words warm with sincerity as she welcomed her to Atlantis. She'd found the tall, imposing Ronon a little intimidating at first but John and Teyla were relaxed comfortable with him and before long she'd found that his taciturn manner his a wicked sense of humour. All three of Mer's team mates had been in a seemingly light-hearted mood, sharing jokes, teasing each other and pestering her for "dirt" on Meredith. She'd felt welcomed, included, and had easily joined in with the laughter. And yet… something had felt not quite right. There was nothing definable, just something wrong that she couldn't quite put her finger on. She'd shoved the feeling aside at the time and enjoyed the company and the laughter.

It was only now, alone with her thoughts in the darkness of her room, that Jeannie could pin down that vague feeling of unease. It had felt wrong…because it had felt a little forced. There had been an undercurrent to the laughter, a subtle sense of.. not desperation.. not anxiety even but… trepidation. Yes. That was it. A feeling that everyone was being very careful, that they were very deliberately avoiding something; laughing and joking and teasing and very definitely not mentioning something. From time to time she had seen in Teyla or Ronon's eyes that same hollow look that she'd seen in John's and there was a seriousness to their faces when they thought John wasn't looking. It was like a shadow lurking in the corner of the room that no-one would look at but everyone knew was there and she was suddenly reminded of that brief moment outside this room where she'd looked at John Sheppard and seen not a soldier, not a pilot, not her brother's friend or Atlantis's military commander but something fragile and breakable, in danger of shattering.

This was maudlin stuff to be dwelling on in the small hours of the morning and Jeannie breathed out a sigh as she found her watch on the bedside table; 2:17am Atlantis time. She wondered idly what time it was back on Earth.. what _day_ it was.. and what Caleb and Madison were doing right now, whether her daughter missed her mommy as much as she missed Madison.

Giving up on the idea of sleep for the moment, she stood up with a stretch and walked slowly to the window, the floor cool beneath her bare feet as she pulled aside the sheer drapes and looked out over the city at night. Atlantis was just… amazing. Unlike anything she'd ever imagined. It was even more beautiful at night with the city lights reflecting off the unending ocean. The window was open slightly and she could hear the gentle wash of the ocean against the shores of the city, smell the tang of salt on the air.

Feeling a restlessness that she couldn't shift, she turned back into the room and dug out her sneakers, pulling a cardigan on over her t-shirt before palming open the door and stepping out into the darkened corridors of the sleeping city. She wandered through the halls of Atlantis for a while, retracing some of the steps she had taken with John, until she found herself on a secluded balcony where she leaned against the railings and lost herself in contemplation of the sparkling city spread about below her, the glow of lights shining in the dark water.

Standing there, feeling the cool, salty air against her skin, listening to the hush of the water, she finally felt herself relax, her mind clear of the endless, circular thoughts that had kept her from sleep. Beginning at last to feel tired, she quietly slipped from the balcony. She thought she'd begun to get her bearings in the city now and worked out that if she turned left instead of right that would take her on a more direct course back to her room than the meandering path she had followed to get here.

It was just as she approached the first turn in the corridor that she became aware of muted voices. She hesitated for a moment, reluctant to be found wandering the city in her nightwear and not wanting to disturb whomever else might be abroad at this hour of the night, and would have turned to go back the way she came when she recognised the sharp tone of voice that even a whispered conversation could not hide.

She peered around the corner curiously.

"Meredith?"

Teyla Emmagen faced her calmly and gave her a warm smile but her brother jumped as though he'd been scalded and turned from their conversation to favour her with an acidic, and oddly anxious, glare. "Jeannie! What are you doing here?"

She returned his gaze with equanimity; it took more than one of Meredith's favoured glares to cow her. "I couldn't sleep." Her tone of voice made it more than clear just how pointlessly stupid his question had been.

He frowned, trying to find fault with that answer.

"Well.. go back to bed. You shouldn't be wandering around in your nightwear…" His vague wave in her direction was dismissive and Jeannie bristled, digging in her heels with the instinctual stubbornness of a sibling.

"What are you doing still up?"

Mer huffed in annoyance, his voice creeping up from a whisper as he began, "Jeannie.."

That was as far as he got before Teyla's hand on his arm brought him up short. She spoke quietly to him, too quietly for Jeannie to hear, and whatever it was that she said, Jeannie was stunned to see Meredith actually listen, actually let someone else suggest a course of action without dismissing it out of hand.

She wandered closer and saw that they were standing outside a closed door in one of the corridors housing sleeping quarters. She wondered if this was Teyla's room or Mer's.. and why they were loitering in the corridor at this hour, both of them still fully dressed in their Atlantis expedition uniforms.

"Go, Rodney. I shall stay a while." Teyla's low voice was calm, soothing, but nonetheless she saw that Mer was about to argue the point when they were interrupted by a muffled noise from behind the closed door. It sounded to Jeannie like some kind of a shout or yell, followed by what was definitely a crash. She saw both Teyla and Mer's heads jerk up at the noise, but strangely there was no surprise or alarm on their faces, only quiet resignation, as though they'd been waiting for this.

She looked back at the closed door. "What was that?"

"Nothing. Go back to bed."

"Meredith!"

"Rodney…" Teyla's voice was firm now and the look she shared with Mer was significant.

"Fine. Fine." Mer threw his hands up in annoyance, visibly deflating as he gave in to Teyla's persuasion. He had a scowl on his face as he took Jeannie's arm and turned her around, pulling her back down the corridor with him, his action taking her by surprise so that she barely had time to reply to Teyla's murmured, "Goodnight, Jeannie" before they were around the corner and the Athosian woman was gone from sight.

Recovering her equilibrium, she shrugged his hand from her arm and pulled to a halt, her expression mutinous. "What's going on, Mer? What was that noise?"

Meredith's face was set in his usual impatience and he reached again for her arm, sighing in frustration as she jerked it out of his reach. "It was nothing, Jeannie. Now, come on!"

"No, Mer!" She planted her feet stubbornly. "That didn't sound like nothing! Someone could be hurt, we should check and make sure they're okay…" She turned back towards the corridor and was surprised when Meredith's hand gripped her arm tightly, holding her in place.

"Meredith!"

"Just leave it alone, Jeannie." His face was stiff and closed as he ordered her around like she was some kind of imbecile, just like when they were children.

"Leave what alone?" she bristled, "Whose room is that?"

Her brother's expression was sullen, resentful as he answered and the response surprised her enough that she let him pull her away from the corner and push her ahead of him down the corridor.

"It's Colonel Sheppard's. Now go back to bed!"

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_TBC…_


	2. Day 2

_Finally, the concluding chapter of my McKay & Mrs Miller tag fic. This one turned out even longer than the first chapter! I struggled a little to find the voices in this chapter so I hope I managed to do so._

_Please review and let me know your thoughts.

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Jeannie Miller was confused. Nothing made sense anymore. The experiment was a failure - worse than a failure; all they'd achieved was to worsen Atlantis' power situation, not improve it – and she and Mer were… dammit, she had no idea what they were. She guessed they were a failure too. She didn't know who Meredith was anymore. He had built a life for himself here, seemed to have friends and people who cared about him.. and yet, in many ways, he was the same old, arrogant, selfish Mer who didn't give a damn about anybody else, not her, not even his friends.

How dare he have the cheek to resent her spending time with Rod when he'd _chosen_ to shut her out of his life for four years? _Four years_; his choice, not hers. Their argument that afternoon kept replaying over and over in her mind. His resentment of Rod was nothing but dented pride, pure and simple. Seeing her with Rod made him realise just what a rotten brother he had been and instead of feeling remorse, instead of apologising to her or trying to heal the rift that had grown between them, he had gotten overbearing and proprietary and tried – again – to tell her how she should live her life.

He acted like only his opinion mattered and everyone else just wasn't worth listening to. It was Meredith's way or nothing at all; he thought he knew better than everyone, thought he could boss her around and tell her what to do. Just like he'd done that morning when he'd practically dragged her back to her room without any explanation, refusing to answer her questions about what was happening. She'd been stunned by his reaction; not by his selfishness or his arrogance but by his utter lack of concern or even interest. It was obvious even to her, a stranger who barely knew Colonel Sheppard, that something was wrong and yet Meredith, supposedly the man's friend, had not even bothered to go and check on him, to ask if he was okay; no, he'd been more concerned with insisting that it was none of her business and ordering her to return to her room and go back to bed, like some naughty child.

She'd been all set to refuse but Mer had been adamant and she knew from experience that arguing with him when he was like that was an exercise in futility.. and as she gotten back to her room the sleepiness she'd been longing for earlier had suddenly caught up to her, a wave of fatigue washing over her as she sat heavily on the bed. She'd vowed to herself to speak to John in the morning, make sure for herself that Mer's friend was okay, and had tiredly pulled the covers up to her chin. Yet the noises she'd heard coming from John's room had bothered her, weighing on her mind as she'd lain in bed, replaying the moment over and over in her mind as she drifted into sleep. Teyla and Meredith hanging around in the corridor outside John's room, the sudden noise from his room – the sound had been muffled through the closed door but it had sounded very much like some kind of a cry or a yell. A cry of pain, maybe? Of fear? And then there had definitely been a crash, the sound of something breaking. It worried her. Anyone with a conscience would have gone to check on the room's occupant, to make sure they weren't injured or hurt. Yet Meredith had turned his back on the closed door and dragged her away, refusing to let her go and check on John, refusing to even discuss the matter with her. She'd thought back to their faces, Teyla's and Mer's, as they heard the cry and wondered again if they had been expecting something like that, if they already knew what the noise had been. But if something was wrong with John, if they were concerned for their friend, then why didn't they go and see if he was okay?

Teyla had seemed kind and genuine and had been nothing but welcoming to Jeannie since she'd arrived in Atlantis. Yet even she had made no move to investigate the noises from their friend's room, had merely lingered in the corridor, leaving Mer to take Jeannie back to her room. It didn't make sense. She'd fallen asleep resolving to go and check on John in the morning, straight after her breakfast date with Rod.

Of course, as it turned out, she hadn't had to. Rod had arrived to meet her in the mess hall with John in tow and the two of them had been in fine spirits, laughing and joking and talking about golf and Mensa and the differences in their parallel realities. Before long both Teyla and Ronon had arrived too and had joined them at the table and the conversation had veered wildly from subject to subject, all of them laughing and relaxed. There hadn't been a moment where she could speak to John alone, no chance for her to ask him if he was okay. And yet, even if there had been, if the right moment had somehow arisen, Jeannie doubted if she would have found it in herself to ask him. The John that had sat down to breakfast that morning had been vibrant, full of life and easy-going charm, a constant smile curving at his lips. She'd found it hard to relate this relaxed, entertaining, wry personality with the glimpse of something much darker she had seen yesterday. And she couldn't help but remember that moment of sadness, the change in his personality, the way the warmth and life had died from his eyes as she'd inadvertently said the wrong thing, dredged up some bad memory, and she couldn't bring herself to do that again, couldn't bear to see the smile slip from his face and those laughing eyes darken with some unknown, private pain.

She'd been called away from the breakfast table by Radek's urgent page and the rest of the day had passed in a blur as they'd struggled to solve the crisis before time ran out. She'd been entirely focused on the problem, on finding a solution, and had let all other concerns slip to the side, to worry about later. And now it was later; it was late in the evening and Meredith had been called in to explain things to Dr Weir and Jeannie was sat alone in her quarters, her bags already packed and her thoughts dwelling on the quandary of John Sheppard – and his friendship with her brother.

She was due to return to Earth when the Daedalus left the next morning; back to her family, back to her life, saying goodbye once again to the brother she hadn't seen for four years. And who knew when she might see him next? Or if she ever would again. Her throat tightened at that thought and she found herself trying to analyse the emotion. Would she care if she never saw him again? Did he even care for _her_? Despite everything, despite the way he had shut her out of his life completely, he was still her brother; still family.

She wondered vaguely if he was happy here, her own words from that afternoon playing on her mind; was he happy, was he doing ok? He was living a life she'd never have expected for him, could never have envisioned; living in an alien city in a far away galaxy, working with the most incredibly advanced technology, travelling to distant worlds by using a device that created artificial stable wormholes, exploring new planets, meeting new people; making friends. And, dammit, why did she even care about his happiness when he seemed to have so little regard for hers? She guessed that was just another difference between them; no matter what had happened between them in the past, she couldn't just forget that she had a brother.

She was startled from her brooding by a melodious chime from the door. She crossed the room to wave a hand over the door controls and was surprised to find John Sheppard hovering almost nervously in the corridor, a laptop clutched in his hands.

"Hey," His smile was easy enough but he seemed to be keeping one eye on the corridor as though looking out for someone.

"Oh, hey." Yeah, real eloquent Jeannie. Well done.

He made a show of peeking past her, into the room. "You all packed and ready to go home?" It was small talk, every day conversation, but something about his manner told her he'd come by for something more serious than chitchat.

"Yes, sir. Ready to ship out at 0800 hours." Her quip was rewarded with a quick grin but before she could respond his face settled into a more serious expression and he gestured vaguely with the laptop.

"Got something I thought you should see before you go.."

"Oh. Okay. Uh.. come in." She stepped back uncertainly and, with a last quick glance up the corridor, John moved past her into the room, looking around uncertainly for a moment before settling on a chair in the far corner. She followed slowly, wondering what this was about, and was nonplussed when he held the laptop out to her.

"It's ready to play. Just hit return." There was a hint of a smile on his face as she took the laptop uncertainly from his hands, seating herself on the edge of bed as she set the laptop down and pushed open the screen. She froze as she was confronted with an image of Mer, his face filling the screen, obviously some kind of video image, paused mid-word. She looked questioningly at John but he just gave her a quiet smile and said, "Hit return."

They were both silent as the video played back, the only sound in the room Meredith's voice as he expressed feelings that, even when they were still speaking, he had never once said to her in person. The video left her bewildered, more confused than ever, torn between a flush of warmth that came with the knowledge that Mer, for all his faults, really _did_ care, and frustration that he could only say these things to a faceless video camera… and that, even after recording that message, after putting his heart and soul on tape to send to her.. he had _still_ not gotten in touch. Probably still would not be in touch with her even now if her math proof had not pushed him into it.

She tried to keep her voice steady as she asked, "When did he record this?"

Sheppard was half-slouched in the chair, his posture deliberately casual. "Coupla years back, when we thought the bad guys were gonna get us"

Jeannie looked back at the screen, at the frozen close-up of Mer's face, and wondered what he had done to deserve a friend like John Sheppard.

"Now I've seen three sides of my brother." Her voice came out sounding brittle, stretched thin like her emotions.

"Yeah."

"What are you two up to?" They both looked up at the accusing voice and at once Jeannie realised why John had seemed that little bit nervous when he arrived, why he had been scanning the corridor outside her room. She wordlessly closed the laptop and passed it back to John who held it casually, calmly distracting Meredith with a teasing jibe.

"Nothing. Just uh, telling stories about you. You know, trying to help her fall asleep."

"Ah-ha-hah" Meredith's tone was sarcastic but the banter between the two of them seemed to have appeased his suspicions and John took advantage of the moment to excuse himself.

"I'll leave you guys alone."

And then it was just the two of them. Jeannie and Meredith. Brother and sister. And it was awkward and uncomfortable and she found herself wishing they could get past this but not knowing how to even start. She couldn't just blink and forget the hurt Mer had caused her… and he didn't seem to have any understanding of how she felt or how much she needed him to be the one to want to fix things. So they traded inane conversation, made jokes and exchanged hollow pleasantries and when Mer did try to say something, try to broach the subject they were both so studiously avoiding, he faltered and stumbled over his words and she found herself giving up hope of any kind of real resolution. She guessed maybe some things just couldn't be fixed so easily.

Then Meredith did the last thing she would have expected and she found herself swallowing back tears as she hugged her brother for the first time in more years than she cared to remember. It wasn't a cure-all, it wasn't a magic fix for all their problems, but it was a start. It was honest and genuine and she felt some of the hard, brittle anger that she'd been carrying around with her all these past weeks start to crumble.

She was left feeling oddly at a loss after Meredith left. She felt like she and Mer had taken an important step; maybe they'd never be the archetypal model siblings but they'd made a start at rebuilding some bridges. Yeah, he was still arrogant and annoying and selfish.. but he _did_ care for her and that meant a lot. She made a mental note to find a quiet moment before she left to thank John; Mer was lucky to have a friend who would care enough to intervene the way he did.

Jeannie thought about getting some sleep – it was getting late and she had a spaceship to catch in the morning (and didn't that thought still just freak her out) – but she found herself caught by a persistent feeling of restlessness. She couldn't settle to anything, couldn't concentrate on her book or even pass the time in reviewing the data from the experiment. It was hard to believe that she was heading home again, so soon after arriving in this amazing city, and she felt a sense of disappointment that she didn't have more time to explore the wonders that Atlantis had to offer but it was tempered by a rising excitement at the thought of being reunited with her family. Alone in her room, with nothing to distract her, she felt their absence as an almost physical pain and it was with a pang of guilt that she realised that she had been so wrapped up in events over the past couple of days that she had barely thought of Caleb, of little Madison. She wondered if her daughter missed her mommy, wondered how her ballet recital had gone, if Caleb was lonely without her..

Unable to concentrate, her mind occupied with too many conflicting thoughts and feelings, and not feeling remotely tired, Jeannie was feeling more and more restless until finally she put her datapad aside and stood up with a stretch. She found herself wandering again to the large window overlooking Atlantis, gazing out over the strung out lights of the night-time city. A cool sea breeze ruffled the sheer drapes as she opened the window and she closed her eyes, breathing in deeply. The city was beautiful at night, almost magical, and she had so little time left to experience it. Reaching a decision, she closed the window and left her comfortable guest quarters, heading again for the quiet balcony she had found the night before. Sleep could wait.

The vista of the majestic city spread out below her, a myriad of warm lights shining from towering spires and graceful arches. The cool sea breeze lifted the hair from her shoulders and she could hear the soft, constant susurration of the waves against the shores of the floating city. It was peaceful here, oddly calming. If she lived here she swore she'd spend half her days on a balcony like this, feeling the salt-rich air on her skin, listening to the gentle rush of the sea as it rose and fell in unending rhythm. The city was huge, a masterpiece of technology and construction, and yet for something so immense, so monolithic, it was still graceful, beautiful, the towers and spires reaching up towards the starlit sky. John had told her that they'd barely explored even half of it in the time they'd been there and she couldn't help but wonder what further treasures, what amazing discoveries were yet to be found within the city's walls. Atlantis fascinated her; she felt that she could stand here for hours, leaning her arms on the railing, just looking, just watching the city live and breathe.

When she finally pushed herself upright and stretched tiredly, she was surprised to find that she had done just that. Hours had passed. It was after 1am. She really should get some sleep.

She left the balcony and for a moment she lingered in the corridor, debating whether to return the way she had come or to once again turn left and take a more direct route back to her room. She was forced to admit to herself that she was curious – about what was going on with Mer's team, about just what it was that all of them were so steadfastly refusing to acknowledge or talk about, and about how it all somehow seemed to centre around John Sheppard – and was intrigued to know what she would find tonight if she once again walked past the door to John's quarters. She found her feet turning that way, as if of their own volition, and for a moment she felt a little guilty, almost sordid, as she realised she was almost hoping to find something, to have an answer to her question. She thought about turning back, her steps faltering briefly, but one personality trait she did share with Meredith was stubbornness and she told herself sternly that there was nothing wrong in being concerned for the well-being of Mer's friend. He had more than shown how important Meredith's well-being and happiness was to him and he should be able to expect the same concern and thoughtfulness in return.

She thought for a moment that she once again heard murmured voices as she approached the turn in the corridor but as she rounded the bend she found the hallway empty. She walked slowly, treading carefully and silently, listening for any indication that something was amiss. Nothing. John's door was closed and the only sound was the faint background hum of the city itself. She sighed, oddly torn between relief and disappointment. As she turned from the closed door to head back to her own room a shadow detached itself from the wall and she smothered a shriek as a large figure loomed over her, feeling the air escape her lungs in a gasp of equal parts fright and relief as she belatedly recognised Ronon.

"Oh my goodness! Ronon!" she squeaked. "You, uh.. you startled me!"

The tall warrior gazed down at her silently, his expression unreadable. This was the first time she'd met Ronon on his own, away from the team, and she suddenly found herself feeling rather nervous. The Ronon who skulked silently in the shadows outside John's room seemed a vastly different animal than the Ronon who sat laughing and joking with his team in the mess hall, his face creased into a broad grin. Whether it was his intent or not, his presence was somewhat intimidating and she found herself starting to babble.

"What are.. uh, what are you doing here?"

"Same thing as you." His voice was deep, rough, and he answered shortly, not bothering to explain as her face creased in puzzlement.

"Uh.. you were… out for a walk?"

Ronon just looked at her calmly, silently, and she felt herself flush, feeling absurdly like she'd been caught doing something she shouldn't.

"Jeannie!" She jumped at the sound of Meredith's voice, his accusing whisper sounding disproportionately loud as she whirled to face him. "What are you doing here?"

She set her arms stubbornly and faced him down, determined not to be browbeaten this time. "I could ask you the same thing!" she snapped back.

He looked taken aback at that, his chin lifting and his ears flushing red as he looked at Ronon and stammered out a hasty excuse, "Ah, well.. I, uh… I was.."

"Mer. I know when you're lying."

He flushed even more at that, colour rising in his cheeks as he hotly denied the accusation. "I am _not_ lying! And furthermore, I'll have you know that.."

"McKay," Ronon's deep rumble of a voice cut Meredith off in mid-flow, the word quiet enough but the tone mildly warning, reminding Mer that his voice was beginning to rise in volume, disturbing the hush in the corridor.

She couldn't resist aiming a small smirk Mer's way as he was effectively told off by his team mate. His chin lifted further in indignation and she saw him struggle for composure as he glared at her and hissed, "Go back to bed, Jeannie!"

"No."

Mer bristled at her outright refusal to do as he told her and Jeannie was vaguely aware of Ronon looking on calmly, watching with an air of mild amusement as the two siblings bickered.

"Jeannie.."

"There is something going on here, Mer, and you can't just shove me aside and expect me to ignore it. John is supposed to be your friend and yet.."

She was interrupted by a sound from John's room and this time there was no doubt; it was a scream, a scream such as she'd never heard before, a heart-wrenching, blood-chilling cry of such pain and fear that it froze her in place, the colour draining from her cheeks. The sound cut off abruptly and she snapped out of her shocked daze, tearing her gaze from the closed door to find Meredith and Ronon sharing a silent, significant look. Mer's face was pale, unhappy and Ronon's mouth had tightened into a grim line but neither of them made a move towards the door. She was astounded, not only at Mer's apparent lack of concern but also that of Ronon. That sound – that scream – was the cry of someone in terrible pain. Something was seriously wrong and they were… they were doing nothing! What kind of friends were they? With a look of disgust at her brother she turned resolutely to the door and raised her hand to knock.

A hand grabbed her wrist and she turned in surprise to find Meredith, his face tight with frustration, "Jeannie.."

"Meredith? What is _wrong_ with you?" She struggled to pull away from him but his grip was surprisingly strong and she was struck once again by how little she knew this new Meredith. The brother she knew was not at all a physical person, he valued brain not brawn and would never physically confront someone like this. Bewildered, she looked into the face of a stranger as he pulled her reluctantly away from the door.

"Just leave it, Jeannie!"

"How can you say that Mer! That.. that noise.."

He was clearly unhappy with this confrontation but he made no move to let go of her arm and his voice was as much pleading as demanding as he told her, "You don't understand! Just let it go…"

"No, I don't, Meredith! I don't understand!" She pulled her arm roughly from his grasp and stood breathing heavily, glaring in disbelief at Mer, uncaring that her voice was rising as she gave vent to the frustration inside her. "I don't understand how you can call yourself John's friend! I don't understand why you are hanging around the corridor outside his room as though expecting trouble and yet when you hear your friend in pain you do nothing about it! I don't understand _any_ of this!"

"Jeannie.."

She was furious now, refusing to be interrupted. "It's obvious that there is something wrong with John and yet you're not doing anything about it! You're pretending like this isn't happening! He is… he is concerned about _you_, has gone out of his way to make sure _you're_ okay and this is how you repay him?"

The anger at her brother that she had been nursing since he'd reappeared in her life and dragged her away from everything that she knew spilled out of her in a heated rush and her voice was tight and hard as she told him, "You're as bad a friend as you are a brother, Meredith!"

She registered the shock and hurt on his face and somewhere inside her felt a moment of regret. She'd felt so positive just a few short hours ago, had thought they were mending some fences… and now it seemed that she'd been mistaken and Meredith really was just as selfish as he seemed on the surface.

If it weren't for the circumstances, the bewildered look on his face would have been almost amusing; the great and all-knowing Meredith McKay for once lost for words.

"What.. what do you mean, he's concerned about me? What are you talking about?" he demanded.

"What am I talking about?" He really had no idea, did he? No comprehension of what a good friend he had in John. "He showed me the video, Meredith!"

"What? What video?"

"The video you made a couple of years ago, when you thought you might not come back home. The video message you recorded for me."

Meredith's face paled at that and he swallowed, his annoyance with her melting as comprehension dawned and he suddenly found it hard to meet her gaze. "He, uh… he showed you that?"

"Yes." She couldn't hide the anger in her voice as she tried to make him see. "He did that for you, Mer. He tried to show me that you cared about me because he thought that it would make you happy if we could somehow be friends again. He didn't want me to leave Atlantis with a bad impression of you…"

Meredith's expression was stunned and she realised that he was truly surprised that John had done that, had gone to those lengths to try and help his friend.

"He did that?"

She shook her head sadly. "You really have no idea, do you?" She turned her back on him, disappointed, the anger suddenly draining from her and leaving her dispirited and cold, and was surprised to find the corridor empty. Sometime during their argument, Ronon had simply – and silently – left.

"Jeannie.."

Ignoring Mer's quiet plea she turned back to the door.

"You don't understand.."

Whatever Mer had been about to say was lost in the sound of the door sliding open and Jeannie was confronted with a haggard, sleep-tousled John Sheppard, his hair in disarray and his eyes hollow.

"Hey." His voice was low and rough, as though hoarse from over-use.

"John!" She couldn't hide her surprise at his sudden appearance, at the darkness that lurked in his eyes. "Are.. are you okay?" she asked, uncertainly.

He dredged up a smile but it was forced, sharp-edged. This was not the John Sheppard who had laughed and smiled so easily in the mess hall, not the John Sheppard who had sat quietly while she watched Meredith's video message; no, this was the John she had met just briefly on the first day she arrived, the one who had been tense and uncomfortable, his eyes shadowed with painful memories.

"I'm good," he lied, glancing idly from her to Meredith. "What are you guys up to?"

"Nothing," Meredith replied hurriedly before she had chance to. "Jeannie was just talking a last walk around the city and is going back to her room." She rolled her eyes at the completely unsubtle way Mer pointedly stressed that last part but John seemed oblivious, nodding distractedly. He ran a hand through his messy hair and stepped into the corridor, letting the door slide shut behind him. She noticed belatedly that he was dressed again in loose sweats and a t-shirt and had his water bottle in his hand.

"You're.. going running? At this hour of the morning?"

The lopsided smile carried a hint of his usual easy charm but it was stretched thin, fragile, and she feared that a sudden movement could shatter it.

"Can't sleep," he admitted too casually. "Need to run off some energy."

It was a blatant lie. He looked exhausted, his hair was still tousled from sleep and it was obvious that he'd only recently dragged himself out of bed. She was aware of Meredith hovering impatiently, trying to subtly herd her away towards her room but she couldn't just walk away, seeing John looking so empty and lost. How could his friends see him like this and not care that something was wrong?

"John.."

"Come on, Jeannie." Meredith interrupted quickly, talking over her as he none too gently nudged her in the direction of her room. "If the Colonel thinks it's a good idea to go for a 5 mile run at 2:00 in the morning then who are we to argue? Must be a military thing.. I swear that masochism must be an entry criteria for the armed forces.."

He was still muttering, complaining about the military mindset, as he pushed her ahead of him and she looked back in surprise to see a genuine smile lighting up John's face as he turned and set off down the corridor in an gentle jog, his easy lope quickly eating up the distance until, within moments, he disappeared from view.

She shrugged off Meredith's attempts to herd her down the corridor and planted her feet stubbornly.

"Meredith!"

He sighed heavily, "Jeannie, please…"

"Mer, something is wrong! He's.."

"I know!" Meredith's angry response stunned her. His eyes met hers and in her brother's face she saw a world of misery, of fear and concern for his friend, and a deep, burning anger that she could not understand.

She struggled to make sense of what she was seeing; Meredith knew that something was wrong. Knew and was terribly worried about it. "Then why..?"

"Because that's what he wants."

"What?"

"It's the way he wants it, Jeannie. He doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want anyone to treat him differently, he just wants everything to be normal and that's what we're trying to do for him."

Mer's face was painfully earnest. "It's what he needs."

He turned and walked away, his shoulders hunched tiredly, and after a long, thoughtful moment she ran to catch up with him. She realised with a stab of guilt that she had been wrong – very wrong. He _did_ care about John; they all did. Suddenly the forced laughter in the mess hall, the studied refusal to talk about whatever was bothering them, began to make sense… his team weren't uncaring, they were doing this for John, acting like nothing was wrong because he _wanted_ to act like nothing was wrong. Whatever John was going through, whatever had happened to make him awake screaming in the early hours of the morning, he didn't want to talk about it – and his friends were respecting that. She thought back to the previous day when she'd inadvertently raised the subject; she remembered the way the light of laughter had so suddenly died from his eyes.

She walked along Meredith for a moment and her voice was quiet, subdued as she finally asked, "What happened?"

Mer's steps slowed for a moment and he gave her a long look, as though deciding how much to tell her, and then he sighed heavily and looked away.

Their steps echoed through the sleeping city as they walked. And as they walked, Meredith talked. "I told you we were at war? Well, it turns out there are worse things out there than the Wraith. There is a man, he is a member of a group of people called the Genii. His name is Kolya…."

* * *

_Fin._


End file.
